This is what I do.

I design websites every day. I don't know whether or not I'm any good at it. I mean, it's pretty simple. I could be better at a lot of things, like Actionscript and PHP and all that fancy shit. I know my way around Flash enough to make things look alright when I need to, although I usually do things the hard way to avoid learning how to code it all out appropriately. I have Learning Actionscript 3.0: A Beginner's Guide sitting in a box at my new house, ready to be unpacked tomorrow with all my other junk. But I know that once I place it on my bookshelf, I probably won't be able to sit down with it. I've opened it so many times but I end up going in circles, reading the same section over and over and not knowing how to apply the things I'm reading because I'm not completely understanding it.

It's entirely possible that I do not have a left side to my brain.



Interactive design is so strange to me. It requires both the left and the right side. As I get older, I find it's harder and harder for me to keep up with it. When I was a kid, I learned HTML on my own time. I copy and pasted code from websites and pieced things together the old school way with a text editor. I remember staring at lines and lines of code, learning how to make little Javascript menus and effects, rollovers and image maps. What happened to that kind of dedication? How is it that at 13 I had more patience to learn and understand a new language than I do now that I'm nearly finishing my last year at art school?

I was never any good at math. I realize now that trying to learn Actionscript is like solving a massive math problem. Hell, I tried multiplying numbers in my head yesterday and checked my math on a calculator only to find out I had screwed it up. I count on my fingers for fucksake.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm redesigning my portfolio website and I promised myself I wouldn't build it in Flash unless I learn enough AS3 to make it really fantastic. So I designed a placeholder to motivate myself and 3 weeks later, I still haven't made any progress.

There's gotta be a part of my brain that can handle this. Concept and research and development and design and creativity have slowly pushed all the technical logic I'm capable of into the deepest hard-to-reach places of my skull. It's time I dig it back out.